


I Don't Want This

by evanderblake



Series: Egobang [8]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Angst, Egobang - Freeform, Flashbacks, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attack, Polygrumps, Sexual Abuse, ShipGrumps, noncon, past abusive relationship, trigger warning, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-01 20:23:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15151124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evanderblake/pseuds/evanderblake
Summary: Arin finally has the guts to make a move, but Dan isn't ready to move on after what happened to him.





	I Don't Want This

**Author's Note:**

> \- This my way of venting about what happened to me in a past relationship, and I don't hold back a whole lot. Please heed my warnings in the tags -  
> Find me on tumblr: @friendevan

It had been a full year since everything had happened. And yet just thinking about what had happened sent him into a full-blown panic.

It was ridiculous. Childish, even. None of his friends had ever experienced something like this. So he must be overreacting.

He must be.

“Hey dude, you okay? You’re kinda… zoning out,” Arin commented softly. They were in the middle of a grump session, and, well, he wasn’t grumping.

“Sorry I’m just… It’s been a long day, y’know?” Dan apologized with a false smile. At least he could still pretend everything was fine. It felt so natural to smile, even though he felt like he might have a breakdown any second.

Arin stretched out a hand and placed it on Dan’s knee, rubbing his thumb in a circle on the inside of his leg. Dan stiffened, but tried to play it off.

“Hey man, that’s gay,” he said with a forced chuckle. Dan was trying so hard to mask the way his breathing picked up, how loud his heart started beating as soon as Arin’s hand made contact. “Seriously dude, quit it,” Dan stated a bit more firmly this time.

Arin… was misreading the situation.

He paused the game, wrote down the time, and turned his attention back to Dan, a sly grin on his face. “You’re telling me you don’t want this to happen?”

_I do,_ Dan thought, _but I can’t._

Instead he just swallowed, his cheeks turning red.

“I need some feedback, Dan. I’m not gonna do anything unless you tell me it’s okay.”

_I want this so bad, Arin._ That wasn’t a lie, but he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t. He didn’t know if he’d ever be ready again. He tried opening his mouth to say… something. He wasn’t sure what would come out. But he just sat there, still as a statue as he tried to process his thoughts.

Arin had never seen him like this before. Granted, the last time they’d joked around like this had been ages ago, usually nothing physical. But… now it wasn’t joking. They’d been skirting around the idea of getting together for a long time, both parties clearly harboring some kind of attraction for the other but never having the nerve to say anything. And now that Arin finally had the guts to make a move, he got no response.

It hurt, if he was being honest. He wasn’t sure if it was intentional or not, but the blank stare Dan wore on his face felt like a slap to the face. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Was he wrong about all this? Was Dan just joking around the whole time?

“You know, if you don’t want this, you could just say something. God Dan, I thought…” he sighed as he slowly withdrew his hand, “I thought maybe you liked me back. I didn’t realize I was making something out of nothing.”

Arin made a motion to get off the couch, but as he started to stand, Dan grabbed his hand and pulled him back onto the couch.

“I want you,” he whispered, his voice breaking at the end as tears threatened to roll down his cheeks.

Was he… going to cry? Arin was entirely confused; he sat back on the couch and folded his arms.

“You want me? Prove it, Dan. Because right now I’m finding it a little hard to believe you want me.” It came out much harsher than he’d anticipated, but he’d waited so long for this to happen and… he was just frustrated, he supposed.

Streams of tears started pouring from his eyes as he dropped his head. He wasn’t sure when he had started clenching his teeth… his fists… He was incredibly tense.

_Fuck,_ he thought. _It shouldn’t be this fucking hard. Why is it so hard?_

“I want you, Arin. I r-really do,” Dan sobbed, covering his face with his shaking hands. “I’m so sorry.”

“Then why are you crying, dude? I’m not understanding something,” he answered, his voice displaying how nervous he was growing.

Dan wiped his eyes and blinked a few times, trying to clear his vision, but when he looked over at Arin…. Arin wasn’t there.

It was _him._

And Dan bolted for the door, gasping and crying and trying so desperately to get away.

He couldn’t do this. Not again. Not again.

But his legs betrayed him. He tripped. And the room started closing in around him.

Distantly, he could hear Arin’s voice calling to him, but every time he opened his eyes he was back in that dingy apartment.

No decor on the walls, barely any furniture, dim lighting, an old couch that you could find at a Goodwill. The TV was pretty decent, probably the nicest thing in the whole place. And the whole apartment smelled like a gross mixture of dollar store candles and pizza. The only thought that was running through his head was what the hell am I doing here?

Right. He thought he was in love. That’s why.

The stupid things you do when you think you’re in love…

They both sat on that disgusting couch, the fabric scratching his exposed arms and making him sit in an uncomfortable position. The man was close to him, but they weren’t quite touching.

The man had been so excited to show off his favorite movie, and Dan was excited to watch it; he wanted to know everything about that man, and it only felt necessary that they watch each other’s favorite movies.

And as he sat there, their thighs occasionally brushing against each other, he wondered once more what he was doing there, in that apartment. The man had made it clear that he didn’t want a relationship or anything serious, which is exactly what Dan wanted from him. And yet there they were. It didn’t make any sense.

The movie ended and the man ordered in food, paying for Dan’s meal. What a gentleman, he’d thought with a smirk. Would he have done that if he didn’t like me?

And then they picked out another movie, Dan decided that Dead//pool was a good option for whatever reason. Dan cuddled up alongside the man, an arm wrapping around his shoulders, pulling him in closer. And that was fine. Perfectly fine.

It was fine until halfway through the movie.

“Is this all you wanted to do?” the man asked, looking down at Dan, something behind his eyes that Dan couldn’t quite make out.

“What do you mean?” Dan replied, genuinely confused.

“You just wanted to come over and cuddle? That was it?”

_Yes,_ he thought. “I don’t know,” he said instead.

“What do you want to do, Danny?”

_This is fine. I don’t want to do anything else._ He reached his hand out and grabbed the man’s hand, intertwining their fingers together.

And that seemed to please him for a while. They continued watching the movie in silence, Dan feeling perfectly content with what was happening.

“I know you want more than this,” he said out of the blue, his voice noticeably lower.

_I don’t. This is good. I don’t want anything else._ “I dunno…” Dan whispered.

“Maybe you need a little help deciding then?” the man whispered against Dan’s hair before moving their clasped hands.

Dan’s hand was being forced to… oh no.

He didn’t want this.

“If this is too far just tell me.”

But his lips weren’t working.

Couldn’t the man tell how nervous Dan was? Couldn’t he see him shaking, feel him shaking for christ’s sake? Couldn’t he hear how accelerated his breathing was, feel how hot his body had gotten?

“Take your shirt off for me, baby.”

_No._ And he did it anyway.

This was too far. It was way too far.

They didn’t even kiss. There was nothing romantic about this. Dan wanted it to stop. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry for help. He pull free from the man’s grasp.

It was over almost as soon as it had started.

“Bathroom’s down the hall if you wanna wash up,” he said, his voice nearly normal again.

Dan still couldn’t look at him. He simply nodded, then walked to the bathroom and locked himself inside.

_Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry._

“Dan?” He shut his eyes tightly. The voice felt so distant.

Everything was falling apart.

“Dan!” Wait that wasn’t…

That wasn’t his voice.

“Dan!! Wake up! What’s going on?!” It was Arin. He was shouting… so close to him but he sounded so far away, like they weren’t even in the same room.

He finally opened his eyes. And thank god it was Arin kneeling next to him.

He practically lunged at Arin, tackling him backward and nuzzling into his neck, crying all over again. “I’m so s-sorry, Arin,” he wept, clutching the younger man’s shirt tightly in his fists.

And Arin just held him. Because even though he didn’t have the faintest clue what had just happened, he knew that comforting Dan right now was more important than finding an answer.

The answer would come eventually. And so would the kiss. And the first date.

But it would take a lot of time. And a lot of patience.

And Arin had plenty of both.


End file.
